Connection! A Crucial Step for Male Sexual Abuse Survivors to Recover

As a man who’s survived childhood sexual abuse, you may have lived in silence for years—holding in the memories, the pain, and the trauma. For many men, this silence can feel like a private hell—something only you understand but which also affects everyone around you. The pressure of keeping this secret, of living in a world that doesn’t fully acknowledge your pain, can be overwhelming. And at some point, many men find themselves breaking the silence—whether it’s through seeking help or simply naming what they’ve been through.

You might find that the catalyst for recovery comes from unexpected places—sometimes triggered by something someone else says or does, or a situation that mirrors your own past.

For example, imagine this: John, in his early 40s, had been living with the trauma of abuse for decades. He buried it, tried to forget about it. But one evening, while at a family gathering, his cousin opens up about their own past abuse. Something in his cousin's words clicks. He’s taken aback, realizing that hearing someone else’s story has dredged up his own buried memories. That night, he couldn’t sleep, the memories flooding back. This is a common trigger for many survivors—hearing someone else’s story, something familiar, that brings the past into the present.

And for others, it might not be something they hear, but something they see. David, for instance, had managed to keep his childhood abuse hidden for years. But when his son turned the same age he was when the abuse happened, something changed inside him. He couldn’t look at his son without remembering the hurt he’d endured. That innocent face, that age, it brought everything rushing back.

Sometimes, the triggers are more personal: perhaps the breakdown of a relationship or a moment of crisis when a partner insists they seek counseling. For some, it’s a series of failed attempts to cope with alcohol or drugs, realizing that these behaviors were masking something much deeper. Others may find themselves struggling with thoughts of suicide, or losing themselves in destructive activities. Eventually, they reach a point where they can no longer ignore the need to heal.

The Struggle to Connect

We were all vulnerable as children. Every one of us. But for those of us who were abused, that vulnerability was violated in a way that no child should ever experience. This betrayal—often by someone trusted—can make trusting others a near-impossible task later in life. If you’ve experienced abuse, it’s easy to fall into the mindset that people equal trust equals betrayal, which equals suffering. And in that cycle, you shut people out. You keep them at arm’s length because it feels safer.

But here’s the thing: while isolation may seem like protection, it doesn’t heal you. You might feel like no one truly gets it. You might push people away because you fear they’ll only let you down, or worse, abandon you just like the person who hurt you.

Take Mark, for instance. Mark had lived his whole life in self-imposed isolation. Even though he was surrounded by friends, he couldn’t get close to anyone. He felt like no one would ever really understand him or his pain. That isolation, though, left him stuck. His friendships felt shallow, and his relationships didn’t go anywhere. Every time he tried to let someone in, he’d pull back. It was like he was trapped in his own private world, never able to fully connect with others or with himself.

It wasn’t until Mark joined a recovery group that things began to change. He met others who shared similar experiences, and for the first time, he felt understood. He started to see that real healing comes from opening up, from connecting with others who’ve been where you’ve been. This connection—this bond—is what allows you to start healing.

Finding Your True Self

The road to recovery isn’t easy, and part of it involves finding your true self again. For years, you might have suppressed parts of yourself in an effort to survive. You lived behind a wall, never showing the real you, because you feared rejection. But in order to heal, you have to find a way to break down that wall. It’s like Matt’s experience. Matt, for years, lived in a fog. He was going through the motions—working, socializing, but never really living. It wasn’t until he took the step to join a group of men who were also survivors that he began to reconnect with himself.

Being in a safe space where he could express himself without fear of judgment allowed Matt to rediscover parts of himself he had long buried. He began to see himself as a person again, not just a survivor of abuse. For the first time in his life, he felt that he could be his “true self” without needing to hide behind a mask. But getting there required trust—and trust had to be built through connection with others who understood.

Trusting the Right People

Part of this recovery journey involves learning who you can trust. Opening up to others can be daunting, especially when you’ve been betrayed before. But the key is finding those who can support you. These are the people who:

• Validate your feelings.

• Hold space for you to share.

• Believe your story.

• Keep your confidences safe.

• Provide emotional support.

• Keep their promises.

• Listen without jumping to offer advice.
  

Take Aaron, for example. Aaron had tried talking to a few people about his abuse, but most of them didn't understand. He felt more isolated after those conversations than he did before. But when he found the right group, everything changed. This group, with men who truly “got it,” gave him the space to express himself. They listened, they supported, and most importantly, they never judged him. It was here that Aaron found his strength—not just from the group, but also from himself.

Emotional Literacy and Healing

Healing isn’t just about talking; it’s about learning to express your emotions. Many men, especially those who’ve suffered trauma, struggle with emotional expression. For years, you might have been taught to bottle up feelings or “man up.” But true healing happens when you break free from this emotional suppression. Through group coaching sessions and retreats, men practice expressing their vulnerability. It’s not easy, but it’s essential for healing.

Emotion, after all, isn’t just a fleeting feeling. It’s your body’s way of responding to what’s happening in your life. Sometimes, it’s hard to even recognize what you’re feeling, but learning to identify and express these emotions is part of the recovery process. And when you can do that, when you can finally say, “This is what I’m feeling,” it’s a powerful step toward healing.

So, remember: there is no rush to get there. Take your time. If you don’t have the words right away, that’s okay. The important thing is that you’re on the path, and you’re not alone.

Closing Thoughts

As a male survivor, your journey to recovery won’t be a straight line. There will be ups and downs, moments of doubt, and times when you feel like giving up. But remember this: connection is key. Trust is earned. And healing, though challenging, is possible—especially when you allow yourself to open up, find the right support, and begin expressing the emotions you’ve been holding inside for so long.

You are not alone.

Be Free

Coach T

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